the year that was... (2023 and 2024)
In 2023, I took 10 months of annual and long service leave.
I travelled to Malaysia, Taipei and Turkiye with my parents (Feb) and London (May-Aug).
I was selected as the inaugural recipient of the Caselberg Trust Margaret Egan Cities of Literature Writers Residency (Oct-Nov). Partway through the six-week residency, when asked if Dunedin had stolen my heart, I replied, "Dunedin has joined my heart."
Through a restructure, I was offered a redundancy package but couldn't bring myself to take it. I applied for other jobs in the same department and changed teams. It was a shock to return to work and for a while, I regretted not taking the money.
I was depressed and anxious during the first half of 2024.
Work gradually improved. I vented to friends. I volunteered with primary school children at a weekly after-school creative program. I fell out of love and ended a two-year LDR. I dated casually. I went on holidays to South Korea and Penang (George Town Literary Festival).
In November, I posted on Instagram:
Every now and then.. I think, 'Thank f**k I didn't move to London.'
It's so good to have fav bookshops, fav bars, fav cafes ✨ It took a while to make friends in Melbourne, after returning from Canberra (2013-17). I didn't have many friends in Melbourne in the first place. And I'd drifted from the few I made in uni. Over time, I made friends through writing and work. It's difficult to make friends as you grow older.
This year, I started volunteering once a week and it's been wonderful.
I used to think I wanted to live in London but god I hate it. Our dreams change. I was reflecting recently on my lack of 'character development'. I still live with my parents. I still work in the public service. I still date emotionally unavailable men. I'm still learning to say no. Meanwhile, many of my friends are marrying and having children. They're buying homes.
I remarked to a friend a few months ago that my life felt stagnant. She asked if I wanted my life to change dramatically and I said I didn't. I used to fear only living in Melbourne but I've made peace with the fact that I like Melbourne. I've made peace with living in Werribee/Hoppers. Sure it's a PAIN to get home but I can't imagine living in the inner north.
'Character growth' looks different for everyone. I've been cleaning out my room. Donating old clothes. Throwing away uni essays and newspaper clippings. I used to be able to write essays in Japanese but I can't anymore. That's 'growth' too, I suppose. Learning what to hold on to and what to let go.
I'm lucky to have female role models who never married or are widowed. They live full, fulfilling lives. Society wants to push you towards certain forms/models of love but it's important to remember that love and care take many forms. No one can protect your inner peace. Only you.
It's so good to have fav bookshops, fav bars, fav cafes ✨ It took a while to make friends in Melbourne, after returning from Canberra (2013-17). I didn't have many friends in Melbourne in the first place. And I'd drifted from the few I made in uni. Over time, I made friends through writing and work. It's difficult to make friends as you grow older.
This year, I started volunteering once a week and it's been wonderful.
I used to think I wanted to live in London but god I hate it. Our dreams change. I was reflecting recently on my lack of 'character development'. I still live with my parents. I still work in the public service. I still date emotionally unavailable men. I'm still learning to say no. Meanwhile, many of my friends are marrying and having children. They're buying homes.
I remarked to a friend a few months ago that my life felt stagnant. She asked if I wanted my life to change dramatically and I said I didn't. I used to fear only living in Melbourne but I've made peace with the fact that I like Melbourne. I've made peace with living in Werribee/Hoppers. Sure it's a PAIN to get home but I can't imagine living in the inner north.
'Character growth' looks different for everyone. I've been cleaning out my room. Donating old clothes. Throwing away uni essays and newspaper clippings. I used to be able to write essays in Japanese but I can't anymore. That's 'growth' too, I suppose. Learning what to hold on to and what to let go.
I'm lucky to have female role models who never married or are widowed. They live full, fulfilling lives. Society wants to push you towards certain forms/models of love but it's important to remember that love and care take many forms. No one can protect your inner peace. Only you.
After an extremely brief rebound in December, I took a break from dating.
Last month, I posted on Instagram:
I love not dating. It's opened up time and energy to make new friends and reconnect with friends I haven't seen in 5-6 years. I'm finally writing again and trying to hold on to the creative energy-momentum~~~ I'm reading for pleasure and to deconstruct what the writer is doing. I'm dreaming again. It feels good to be hungry and curious again.
For a year or so (yay for epiphanies!), I feared not taking the risker option (taking a redundancy package and moving to London) meant I wasn't brave. I now realise that taking the riskier option isn't necessarily the brave option. It's just the riskier option. Moving to London would have been a step backwards for me—financially, socially and creatively. It was not enough to move for love alone. Ideally, you move for other reasons too.
I wrote in drafts about wanting to live a 'full life', a 'fulfilling life', a 'free life'. What I really meant: I want to live an 'expansive life'. I want to enjoy delicious meals and drinks and have deep, meaningful conversations. I want to stay curious and open to awe. I chose comfort over struggle but that is not the sum of who I am. (Towards the end of our relationship, my ex described me to a colleague as 'someone who likes comfort'. It stung. Of all the ways he could have described me..... 'someone who likes comfort'. Who doesn't like comfort?!) You can live your whole life in the suburbs and still live an expansive life 🌷
For a year or so (yay for epiphanies!), I feared not taking the risker option (taking a redundancy package and moving to London) meant I wasn't brave. I now realise that taking the riskier option isn't necessarily the brave option. It's just the riskier option. Moving to London would have been a step backwards for me—financially, socially and creatively. It was not enough to move for love alone. Ideally, you move for other reasons too.
I wrote in drafts about wanting to live a 'full life', a 'fulfilling life', a 'free life'. What I really meant: I want to live an 'expansive life'. I want to enjoy delicious meals and drinks and have deep, meaningful conversations. I want to stay curious and open to awe. I chose comfort over struggle but that is not the sum of who I am. (Towards the end of our relationship, my ex described me to a colleague as 'someone who likes comfort'. It stung. Of all the ways he could have described me..... 'someone who likes comfort'. Who doesn't like comfort?!) You can live your whole life in the suburbs and still live an expansive life 🌷
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I thought I would finish my manuscript in 2023.
It was the most free time I'd had since childhood. I felt guilty for not publishing more work but now realise I need material stability and emotional stability to be able to take risks.
I was busy living my life. I was busy falling in love, then busy falling out of love. I was busy at work. I was busy learning to protect my inner peace. I was busy finding 'true north'.
